If I had an FB update I'd be publishing right now it would read "is Open for business" or "now accepting applications." I'd be accepting applications for a few things as I honestly admit this to myself. I would be accepting opportunities for any and all good business ventures because I need to increase input; I would be open to the business of finding a new "home." Not just a nice, better, stress free abode, but one that resonates as an abode of the heart; and accepting applications for new romantic possibilities, because the current probability is coming to a close.
There are many things to be said from the perspective of blaming, but truthfully, at the most base, we stand astride a large crack in the tierra. It is like the Grand Canyon now. I am completely in awe at the proportions of this gap, crack, abyss. Where there was love there is only utter frustration and total loathing. And we could argue it into the ground about the cyclical nature of the problem without ever repairing the rift. This makes me so sad, to the very core. Probably more sad because we share a daughter and we both love her ferociously but show only ferocity to her about how we feel about each other. Such an ugly view for her to witness. It isn't the view I want for her and for myself, I feel the road to getting on a new road is slow and we're doing too much damage while we're here.
In the process of becoming a mother over the last 2 years, I have really come to understand myself more, to be stronger in myself and my beliefs and to be unwavering in what I want and need in life. This all revolves around her love, helping her learn and experience the world through eyes that aren't scared or hurt or contracted and giving her a structure for her relationships in life. Unfortunately, we are a poor archetype for her at the moment. How can I expect that someone can love me, honor me and treat me with loving kindness when they can't do that for themselves? And that is the very problem here. And if he can't do that for himself or for me, then how will he do that for her? I see this is a problem for him when it refers to her-his struggle is so clear and he doesn't always preserver and that brings me to the point of such rage, shame and frustration that I am surprised that I am still here. 8 years boiled down to this.
And so we teeter totter here, on the opposite sides of this Canyon, looking down, blaming each other for how wide it's gotten and why without doing anything to build a bridge to the middle. I trust the Universe and I trust that things will unfold in just the right way because there is such a desire to shift this. So come on shift, let's get going....
