hope feels
like being able to take a complete breath without falling to pieces
hope feels
like a place inside of me that I really want to be
when hope comes around the corner I recognize it, sometimes with wonder
like when I was in the grocery store the other day
having put my basket down in aisle 3 or wherever, as I often do
to grab a "few more things" that I "just remembered"
and balancing 7 things in my hands, tucked under my chin for support
I look up and see Conrad looking at the cereal selection that takes up half the aisle
He giggles out loud at the sight of me, as I recognize him
out of place
I am used to worrying about him
freezing to death in the weather
worry about how I will ask him in ways that do not offend
if he could use this sleeping bag
I've been carrying it in my car
just for him
all these winter weeks
just in case I run into him to ask
Here he is, giggling, bright-eyed
tossing me a tease at my juggling
I laugh back and say hello because that is what we do when we see
Hope and Wonder in front of us
I comment back on the acrobatic shopping that seems to be my style
As I check out, I check myself and wonder at his being in the grocery store
implying that it means a particular thing and he's okay
and remind myself that looking and seeing is not the same as seeing and knowing
choosing or buying
and that I do not fully know what the outcome of his visit might be
just because I saw him there does not mean a thing
except that, I saw him in a place
unexpected
and laughing
and that to me is a wonder
seeing something unexpected in a place where
you had already drawn your limiting conclusion
of how things must be and you operate within those limits until
you check yourself and ask
As I made my way to my car, I looked out for him
saw his shopping cart
Tried to stop
to remember
really SEE him in the store
his cart
for what was really THERE
not how I thought I saw him or it
Isn't hope a place you land inside of yourself
when you consider that what you see might not be
the story you told yourself must be
a place where wonder sneaks up on you in aisle 3
and laughs with you?
